All It Takes is One Decision

Have you ever sat down and really thought about how different you are now from who you once were? I'm sure you have. Nostalgia is a word in our language because enough people have had those thoughts that they needed a brand new word to describe this occurrence. Life is a series of decisions, ours and the decisions made by others, that shapes who we become. In an instant, a change of heart can completely derail the life you thought you were going to have.

I know I was on a path to becoming a doctor. Then one day, I sat down and really thought about what I wanted out of this life. Years and years of schooling wasn't it. So just like that, I changed directions. I chose a different major and a different life for myself. My parents chose to relocate to a different state. Their decision helped me to finally start standing on my own two feet instead and choosing my life for myself instead of relying on and pleasing those who are important to me. So whether it is a decision you made or a change hoisted onto your life, all those little things add up to a completely new person.

That's the beauty of this life. Truly. You can't really get bored when in a single moment, a solitary idea, a chance for change lies the potential for a brand new path to walk. Whether you're calling all your own shots or letting the decisions be made for you by running out the clock, in an instant everything can be new again once that magic decision is made.

What are some key moments in your life? Where did your past self think you would be at this time in your life? Where do you think you will be in 5 years? Where do you wish you could be?

Maiden to Mother and Society's Erasure of that Journey

Quick disclaimer. This post is geared towards ciswomen who have gone through pregnancy and childbirth, but the importance of progressing through the natural phases of life and fully accepting each stage of your path is integral for all people in order to have a healthy psyche.

One of my favorite deities is the Triple Goddess. As a woman, I have recognized my personal connection with the moon and its importance in my life which is a big reason for why the Triple Goddess resonates so strongly with me. All of life is cyclical while simultaneously being linear for us as individuals. But let me back up and unpack exactly what I'm trying to say as well as explain how I see Society forcing the natural flow into hiding.

In Neopaganism, the Triple Goddess is symbolized as the moon waxing, full, and waning. This relates to the Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone (in my opinion, poorly named and offputting, but still a very important role I hope to one day fulfill). The Maiden represents new beginnings, youthful wonderment, enthusiasm. The Mother represents sexuality, achievement, the fullness of life. The Crone represents wisdom, peaceful acceptance, endings. Each of us embodies our own Triple Goddess journey whether literally or figuratively.

We all know the circle of life. We're born, gain some education, have life experiences, work, grow old, try to pass on our wisdom, hope we made a difference, and die. But as we are each living, we have a beginning and an end. Our individual lives have a linear path. Society, however, clings to just one part of life: possibilities. Endless possibilities are embodied by youth. Society has created a whole market around erasing our aging, our linear path.

Society has attached such shame and stigma to women who "look" like they have had children. Stretch marks, loose skin, extra weight, less time spent on appearance.  Those are the markings of a "failed woman." We're supposed to lose our ignorance while maintaining our innocence. But really, who wants to look like they don't know what they're doing? Who wants to be mistaken for a Fool when really you're a High Priestess? I know I don't. I have carried life within my body. I have felt that life grow and have new experiences while inside me. I am the vessel through which she was able to enter into our plane of existence. I have grown and am proud of my trek. Why should I be ashamed to wear the proof of that plainly on my skin?

Just as the moon has this course it has to take, so do we. We can't skip the waxing crescent to jump straight to the full moon just as we cannot skip or erase the changes we go through to get from Maiden to Crone. Each phase of life needs to be accepted as it is and its lessons learned if we want to have the wisdom of the Crone. That's why no one should feel stressed about their transition from Maiden to Mother. Don't let Society erase the ravages of time; they just want to sell more product. ;)

What's holding you back from being fully present where you're at? Is there anything about your story that makes you feel less than? What is your favorite part of your journey so far?

What I Eat In A Day (Vegan Pregnancy Edition)

I'm sure everyone is wondering one of those age old questions we vegans get frequently, "But where do you get your protein??" And in answer, pre-pregnancy, that wasn't a concern at all. My midwife told me that pregnant women need 75-100 grams of protein everyday, though, and no lie, that was scary to me. The high end of that is almost double my normal protein intake. Luckily, she said getting 75 grams a day is fine, so that has been my goal. I have since taken a week to track my protein intake, and it actually hasn't been as daunting as I thought it would be!

I tracked from January 18-25, and my numbers were 85g, 75g, 91.5g, 83g, 77g, 77g, 75g, and 98g. So I'm averaging about 82.5 grams a day. On to a million food pics to explain how I did it!

Breakfast
For breakfast, I usually have this smoothie: one cup of soy milk (8g), one banana (1g), two tablespoons of peanut butter (7g), sevenish frozen strawberries (0g), and one scoop of protein powder (20g). Sometimes I'll also add in flax or chia seeds which can add another 3-5g, but normally, this smoothie has me at 36g of protein! If I want a hot breakfast instead, I'll do oatmeal: 3/4 a cup of oats (7g), a cup of soy milk (8g), two tablespoons of peanut butter (7g), two tablespoons of whole flax seed (4g), and two tablespoons of chocolate chips (2g). Plus a banana which has 1g. That gives me 29g. One thing to look out for if you are going to be using a protein powder is if you are also taking a prenatal vitamin, you need to pick a protein with very little vitamin A. You don't want to get too much as it causes birth defects.

36g

29g

Yay, no vitamin A!

I've tried chocolate and vanilla. They're both fantastic.

 Lunch/Dinner
I pretty much do the same types of meals for lunch and dinner. Almost always I have a home cooked meal/leftovers for one and then a fake meat meal for the other. I didn't really crave fake meats much pre-pregnancy, but I have definitely been craving them a lot now which is what really helps me meet my protein goals. If you follow me on Instagram, these may look familiar. For the nachos: chips (8g), Minimalist Baker's queso (7g), black beans (10g), sauteed green bell peppers and red onions (2g), guacamole (.5g), and salsa (1.5g). For eggplant marinara: pasta (16g), marinara sauce (4g), beefy crumbles (13g), eggplant (1g), and green beans (1g). For cheesy pasta: pasta (16g), soy milk (2g), and nooch (8g). I have also made this pasta with Gardein chick'n strips which would add another 14g. I love the Boca burgers. I eat two at a time. My favorite way to eat them is with Just Mayo, ketchup, mustard (I know, I love condiments), spinach, bread and butter pickles, tomatoes, red onion, and avocado. For the burgers: patties (26g), buns (8g), and all the toppings (2g). Lastly, something I love to get as a treat is those Gardein pizza pockets. I eat two at a time so it's not the cheapest, but they are so delicious! Only 18g of protein for two, though.

30g

35g

26g

14g

18g

36g

Snacks
When it comes to snacking, I didn't really start being hungry enough to snack until this week. I really love sweets. It's kind of a problem. But I try to limit all my fruit intake to breakfast since I'm only supposed to be having 1-2 servings of fruit through this pregnancy. Instead, I try to make different snacks like cinnamon toast (6g), or I'll eat a bagel (8g) or bowl of cereal: two cups of cereal (12g), one cup of soy milk (8g). For the cinnamon toast and the bagel, if I know I've had a low protein day, I'll beef them up a little by adding peanut butter which adds 7g making them 13g and 15g respectively. Occasionally, I'll snack on chips and salsa (5g) or hummus and crackers/veggies (5-8g). (Neither of those are pictured)

6g as pictured

8g as pictured

20g

And that's that! Some days I do better than others, but so long as I'm averaging where I need to be, I'm not worried. What are your favorite go-to snacks? Any one else tackled a tricky diet through pregnancy? Any other vegans out there got some yummy recommendations?

"Are You Excited?" On Depression and Pregnancy

"Are you excited?" "OMG I am so excited for you, I can't wait!" "You must be so excited!" I get where you're all coming from, really I do. I was the same way for all of you when you told me you were expecting. And I really wish I could say that I am excited, but I have to be honest (I know I'll get a lot of backlash for this, but it is something that really needs to be more openly discussed), no. I'm not excited.

This was from another week years ago when I couldn't sleep.

Time for some backstory. I have actually been dealing with mental health issues for a long time (almost 10 years). It started out as suicidal ideation. It has since become a little more pronounced. So much so that I actually went to the ER a couple times because I just couldn't sleep anymore. Don't worry, I'm okay. I always am. Okay, but not necessarily good or great. I've never actually attempted suicide, but I have what's considered "high-functioning depression." The pictures are some examples of what depression looks like for me. Coupling mental illness with all the extra pregnancy hormones makes for a really confusing mental landscape with your emotions all over the place.

He's such a momma's boy, and he's always there for me.

The idea that women may not want children is so strange in our society. It's almost a requirement to reproduce whether that's your idea of a good life or not. Whether you're ready or not. Pop culture does a good job of reinforcing that standard as well, which is why I absolutely love when favorites like The Big Bang Theory decide to open up a conversation. If you haven't seen "The Dependence Transcendence" you can read up on the bit of it that's important to this post here.

"[I]t's my baby. I should care about nurseries and colors, and I don't. What's wrong with me? I'm waiting to feel excited, but it's not happening. What if it never happens?" - Bernadette

Couldn't convince myself to get out of bed today. The thought of eating makes me sick.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is it's okay to not be excited right away. It's okay to ask for help when you need it. And I promise you, there are more women in your life who have gone through the same thing and didn't talk about it, but they will talk about it with you. You definitely have me. For those who don't know, cdossitm@yahoo.com is the email I use for this blog. You can email me there or message me on my Facebook page, but I am a lot more inconsistent with responding to Facebook (I can't figure out how to get the notifications for it turned on).

There is a reason Aura is my Emotional Support Dog. She always knows when I need cuddles.

All in all, there are resources available to you regardless of income or insurance status. There are state funded mental health clinics in a lot of cities (I'm not sure about small towns, but everywhere I've lived so far has had one). The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has a chat option if you don't think you have the strength to speak. I'll include a list of phone numbers at the end of this post just in case. 

I tried to make myself look good so I would feel good inside.

Got a little long-winded here. Quick questions just to wrap this up, what helps you when you feel overwhelmed by depression, anxiety, bipolar, insert mental illness/personality disorder here? What has been your favorite thing about being pregnant? What was your favorite and least favorite part about getting ready for your firstborn?

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255 (24/7)

Pregnancy Option Line - 1-800-712-4357 (not sure availability, chat option)
National Alliance on Mental Illness - 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) (M-F 10a-6p EST), info@nami.org

American Pregnancy Assocation - 1-800-672-2296

Here's To You

I just wanted to let you know that you are doing great, and I am proud of you. You have overcome some pretty big things over the years. Look where you are now! It may not be exactly where you want to be yet, but you'll get there in time. Everything always plays out how it's meant to eventually.

It's okay to be a little confused. It's okay to be lost. It's okay to not have all the answers. It's in these times that we always learn the most because these are the times when we are the most open. Embrace it! Open your mind to all that life has to offer, and learn the new lesson.

October is going to be a big month. Let's put to bed the failures of September and be ready to move forward with new resolve. I have a compilation of motivational pictures because I don't know about you all, but I am definitely dragging this week. If you want to see more like this, let me know in the comments section. Get ready to tackle the adventures October has to offer!