"Are You Excited?" On Depression and Pregnancy

"Are you excited?" "OMG I am so excited for you, I can't wait!" "You must be so excited!" I get where you're all coming from, really I do. I was the same way for all of you when you told me you were expecting. And I really wish I could say that I am excited, but I have to be honest (I know I'll get a lot of backlash for this, but it is something that really needs to be more openly discussed), no. I'm not excited.

This was from another week years ago when I couldn't sleep.

Time for some backstory. I have actually been dealing with mental health issues for a long time (almost 10 years). It started out as suicidal ideation. It has since become a little more pronounced. So much so that I actually went to the ER a couple times because I just couldn't sleep anymore. Don't worry, I'm okay. I always am. Okay, but not necessarily good or great. I've never actually attempted suicide, but I have what's considered "high-functioning depression." The pictures are some examples of what depression looks like for me. Coupling mental illness with all the extra pregnancy hormones makes for a really confusing mental landscape with your emotions all over the place.

He's such a momma's boy, and he's always there for me.

The idea that women may not want children is so strange in our society. It's almost a requirement to reproduce whether that's your idea of a good life or not. Whether you're ready or not. Pop culture does a good job of reinforcing that standard as well, which is why I absolutely love when favorites like The Big Bang Theory decide to open up a conversation. If you haven't seen "The Dependence Transcendence" you can read up on the bit of it that's important to this post here.

"[I]t's my baby. I should care about nurseries and colors, and I don't. What's wrong with me? I'm waiting to feel excited, but it's not happening. What if it never happens?" - Bernadette

Couldn't convince myself to get out of bed today. The thought of eating makes me sick.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is it's okay to not be excited right away. It's okay to ask for help when you need it. And I promise you, there are more women in your life who have gone through the same thing and didn't talk about it, but they will talk about it with you. You definitely have me. For those who don't know, cdossitm@yahoo.com is the email I use for this blog. You can email me there or message me on my Facebook page, but I am a lot more inconsistent with responding to Facebook (I can't figure out how to get the notifications for it turned on).

There is a reason Aura is my Emotional Support Dog. She always knows when I need cuddles.

All in all, there are resources available to you regardless of income or insurance status. There are state funded mental health clinics in a lot of cities (I'm not sure about small towns, but everywhere I've lived so far has had one). The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has a chat option if you don't think you have the strength to speak. I'll include a list of phone numbers at the end of this post just in case. 

I tried to make myself look good so I would feel good inside.

Got a little long-winded here. Quick questions just to wrap this up, what helps you when you feel overwhelmed by depression, anxiety, bipolar, insert mental illness/personality disorder here? What has been your favorite thing about being pregnant? What was your favorite and least favorite part about getting ready for your firstborn?

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255 (24/7)

Pregnancy Option Line - 1-800-712-4357 (not sure availability, chat option)
National Alliance on Mental Illness - 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) (M-F 10a-6p EST), info@nami.org

American Pregnancy Assocation - 1-800-672-2296

Bumpdate #7 (14 weeks)

Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates Christmas! I hope you got to spend the day with people who love you. Our trip to Colorado ended up getting cut short so I didn't make it up to Denver to see my sister which sucks. At least we finally got all of our stuff back from the movers so that's good. Now just to focus on getting everything else figured out.

Rainbow:

You're getting expressive on us! Your face is well-defined now, and your little scowls and smiles may have the added bonus of eyebrows. If you're a little girl, you've already got all the eggs you'll ever have in your life. If you're a little boy, you're busy working on your prostate. You've worked your way up to the size of a lemon, and you're starting to poke out along with all the intestines.

Me:

Husband has a guaranteed DD now of which I'm sure he'll take advantage when we go to the movies tomorrow. I am no longer exhausted and tired all the time so I'm sure I'll actually stay awake through the whole movie. It's a win-win situation! Thanks to this little nugget's growth, I'm starting to have trouble buttoning my pants. Rubber bands will be my new best friend as soon as I can find them among all the boxes...

My sister and mom recommended Bio Oil for stretch marks, but of course I have misplaced it as well. Does anyone have a product they loved for stretch marks? Haven't gotten any new ones yet, and genetics is on my side for this one, but just in case, I'd like to be prepared! Other side note, does anyone celebrate something other than Christmas or doesn't celebrate at all? What are some of the traditions you and your family have?

Bumpdate #6 (13 weeks)

We have done so much driving this week, it's insane. We drove from North Carolina all the way to Colorado to visit my family. Originally, Husband and I both were going to be snowboarding on this little trip, but I fall so much that it's going to be just him on the mountain. We ended up leaving a day later than planned and driving through a snowstorm probably wasn't the smartest idea, but we made it! And that's what counts. Time for some much needed time with my parents whom I don't get to see often enough. But hey, now we're only one time zone apart so visiting should be much easier!

Rainbow:

Your head is starting to look more proportionate to the rest of your body instead of being most of your being, and you're working on your motor skills! Stretching, flexing, testing things out. You're as big as a peach now.

Me:

I'm starting to feel pretty good. I was looking through some of my progress shots from earlier this year when I was really working out, and the bump isn't that different from then so it's still mostly water retention and intestines poking out. No surprise considering how tiny you still are. But sometimes I really feel you. Another plus of Colorado, though, it is so dry here my nose has stopped running. Until next time!

Bumpdate #1

Still not sure how many weeks along we are for certain, but we have our first ultrasound scheduled for November 30. Let's go ahead and jump right in!

Rainbow:

I assume you are somewhere between 7 and 9 weeks along so maybe you're just now starting to peek out over my pelvis. That's really all I've got for you. You've got your little arm buds at the least, and your heart is beating. This cute app I've found lets you tell me nice things about your growth and encouragement for me. Until we get that ultrasound, this section is going to be pretty much guess work on my part XD.

Me:

I threw up today for the first time ever. I'm hoping it's just because I overslept and was super hungry and not because I'm going to be the first one in my family to actually experience morning sickness. Only time will tell. I'm still blaming your daddy regardless because at least then we're both laughing about it. Not as tired all the time which is good, but I'm getting pretty fed up with my job now that I know we've got better things coming our way in just a month's time. I cry at least once a week over something I wouldn't normally, and I've started having to pee more often. Not a ridiculous amount yet, but definitely enough that I've noticed a difference. I have also informed Husband that I would like to trade in my Princess title for Goddess since I am now a vessel by which life enters this world. I will keep you all posted on if it sticks ;P

That's all for this week! Stay tuned to find out what's next in our adventure and how this vegan baby grows!

P.S. 280Days is the app I have found. It's super cutesy which I love. There is a version for the pregnant partner and the non-pregnant partner. We can both make journal entries and access each other's, and the calendar is linked so when I input an appointment time, he has access to it as well! The only thing I don't like about it is it gives the baby's growth updates in 4-week increments instead of week increments.

Guess Who Is Joining the Mommy Club!

That's right! October 27 I took a home pregnancy test. The test line appeared immediately. Positive for pregnancy. I had so many emotions go through me at the same time. I plan on going to see a doctor tomorrow (November 2) to get the for sure confirmation that this isn't ectopic and all that good stuff. Plus I'll have a better idea about how far along I am! My cycles are SUPER long - I average 38-40 days per cycle - so I don't trust traditional pregnancy wheels. Husband is beyond ecstatic, and his protectiveness is kicking in to overdrive.

Baby:

Not really sure what's going on with Rainbow. I'm sure he's just doing his best to get his little heart beating if it isn't already. He's somewhere between the size of a peppercorn and a walnut, though (guesstimating of course).

Me:

This kid is wearing me out already. Apparently tiredness runs in the family, and it has definitely knocked me on my butt lately. If I have something to do or somewhere to be, I'm good. But trying to be productive and work out like I'm supposed to is hard! On the plus side, my family also doesn't really experience morning sickness so we'll see if that holds true for me as well! Definitely getting nauseous thanks to smells. Boobs are super tender, and they're already getting bigger. Minor cramping. Lastly, I was already a crier to begin with, but movies are getting to me worse than usual.

I hope everyone had a fun and safe Halloween! We spent our first Halloween together relaxing at home and making mommy fall asleep in every chair in the living room. XD That's all for now!

Oh, does anyone have a pregnancy app that they would recommend? I am having the hardest time finding one I really like. It has to have the cute factor, or I won't stick with it.

Bumpdate #2

Well, just as I was starting to get excited, the nervousness has kicked in simply because I have yet to get an ultrasound to confirm that everything is going the way it should. Ugh. And I have this irrational fear that because every Sims family we make has us having twin boys for the first pregnancy that I'm going to end up having twins. I also had a conversation with myself about if I wanted to wear my glasses or contacts through labor and delivery. I've opted for contacts so I don't have to keep pushing my glasses up my face for however many hours it's going to take. I'm going to try to keep a record of the odd conversations that are now a reality for my life XD

Rainbow:

Still no real knowledge on where you're at, but we're 10 days away from getting something more concrete! At the minimum, you're 8 weeks along. At the max, 10 weeks. So you've definitely outgrown your tail, you've got limbs and most of your organs are at least there, and you're at least the size of a strawberry inside my grapefruit-sized uterus.

Me:

I definitely did not get the no morning sickness gene. I have thrown up out of Husband's car while driving down Piney Green. I have now thrown up 2 days in a row thanks to Husband's morning breath. I have been nauseous all day at least every other day of the week. I already have gum drop nipples, and my boobs are too big for my bras. Not that I wanted to wear them anyway back when they were so sore all the time. I feel a weight in my uterus now which is pretty cool. That pregnancy app I have tells me that all the symptoms are Rainbow trying to let me know he exists, which is neat, but seriously kid, I already know you're there. You can cool it with trying to starve us both.

All in all, morning sickness is killing me. Excitement has been overshadowed by nervousness. And I need a recommendation for a good baby time capsule. I can't bring myself to throw away the pregnancy test, and leaving it on my counter isn't going to be a viable option since we're moving in less than a month. Anyone have recommendations for a time capsule and tips for combating morning sickness?

Bumpdate #3

OMG This has been the longest day of my life. I felt especially crappy all day. I threw up water for Pete's sake. My back is killing me. I apparently am already having some ligament pain so my belly is cramping and in pain. And then my head hurts because I threw up so much. But to top it off, I can't skip work because they didn't give me enough hours to begin with. Super not fun. BUT THEN. After work, I'm bleeding a little. Like, I was scared. I couldn't think straight at all. 4 hours spent at the ER we finally find out that there was literally nothing wrong. They could find no sign of a hemorrhage or any explanation whatsoever. But the best news is we have a guess date! June 25. Right now, we're measuring at 9 weeks, 6 days, and Rainbow's heart rate was a strong 171. So much relief. And now that the adrenaline high has worn off, I'm utterly exhausted.

Rainbow:

All your organs are formed and fully functional. Your face is coming together nicely with your nose and jaw becoming more defined. You've also been considered a fetus for a good couple weeks now, and you're well on your way to being the size of a strawberry.

Me:

Where to start. My boobs no longer hurt which is good. I gave up on bras completely. As mentioned above, my back is dying. I have so many food aversions, eating is like an obstacle course. And my appetite has shrunk so I have to eat little tiny meals. At least that means I'm almost never throwing up food. It's usually just stomach acid and sometimes water. Motivation is almost gone, but I'm not exhausted all the time.

Bumpdate #4 (11 weeks)

Hi everybody! Moving is stressful. But I had an epiphany earlier in the week about the essential oils I have in my house. Peppermint on my back wipes out my lower back/pelvic pain so fast. I can't believe I keep forgetting about those bottles of awesomeness. Let's get this show on the road!

Rainbow:

The bases of your hair and fingernails has grown in. So are your tooth buds. Calcium is pretty important the next couple weeks since your bones are starting to harden. You definitely look like a soft, tiny person now.

Me:

My morning sickness is finally over! The only times I throw up now is because of the BV pills (which taste terrible). I have heard there is a cream. I may invest in getting switched to that. I am already at that phase of pregnancy where gravity pulls the baby out so by the end of the day, I've got quite the bump. I feel like I've had post-nasal drip for a couple weeks now which sucks. But other than that, still got the sore boobies that keep growing, too.

Anyone have any home remedies for post-nasal drip? And are there any essential oils one should avoid while pregnant (I just have the Young Living 10 oil starter kit)? The public library here doesn't have a very good selection on essential oil guide books. I've been diluting all the ones I've been using with organic coconut oil until we get moved, and I can get my hands on a different library. Until next week!

Bumpdate #5 (12 weeks)

Woot woot! 12 week mark! OMG this week has been stressful. I am doing my absolute best to not let the stress get to me, but moving sucks! Whoever decided moving while pregnant was a good idea (it was me) needs to have her decision-making license revoked. But anywho, this one is going to be extra special. In honor of the last week of the first trimester, we're going to throw in as many Old Wives' Tales on gender prediction as I can find! It's going to be great. But first, business as usual.

Rainbow:

When I had that ultrasound, you were definitely on my right side, but it feels like you've shifted to be more centrally located. Or I'm just making things up in my head since you're still only the size of a lime. You're moving your little legs around, and your intestines are safely inside your body where they're supposed to be.

Me:

Epiphany part two of essential oils, putting Thieves and peppermint on my feet and then wearing socks all night has caused all the runny snot to solidify. Pro, no more drainage. Con, I have to wake up to blow my nose so I can keep breathing. But hey! Progress. I'm feeling less scattered which is incredible considering the moving thing. Keeping on track has been an uphill battle.

Gender Guesses:

Morning sickness - about 2-3 weeks worth, GIRL
Moodiness - I don't think I have been exceptionally moody except when I'm super tired, but I'm sure Husband would disagree so we'll call this one UNDECIDED
Heartbeat - 171 bpm, GIRL
Craving - savory foods, BOY
Husband's weight gain - hasn't gained any so far at least, BOY
Acne - yes, GIRL
Clumsier - yes, BOY
Necklace/wedding ring - circles, GIRL
Chinese calendar - GIRL
Mayan gender predictor - odd, odd, GIRL
Baking soda test - almost no fizz, GIRL

Are there any other tales I've missed? I never got to see my ultrasound so the Ramzi theory is out. Any guesses from you? We'll find out in June!

Love Your Melon

I hope everyone has had a great holiday season! I know that we sure did :D But anywho, I want to talk to you all about a cause that I've recently learned about that is really close to my heart. Love Your Melon. It's a phenomenal organization started by college students in 2012 with a simple mission: put a hat on the head of every child battling cancer.

Aiden (3-years-old) loves his LYM beanie!

The head is so crucial and yet fragile. For those of you who have shaved your heads, I'm sure you know how much chillier you were. Imagine being a child who didn't have a choice in hairstyles. The sweet idea to get hats for all of these fighters is one of those easily overlooked details that can make a world of difference in the eyes of a child. It can give them hope and envelop not only the child but also the family with support.

That original thought has since grown to a more comprehensive plan. Love Your Melon has since taken on partnerships with the Pinky Swear Foundation and CureSearch. This way, in addition to putting hats on each child's head, they can make an even more impressive impact on the lives of the families and push towards finding a cure for cancer.

The cuffed pom beanies are brand spanking new!

The best part is you can also get one of these incredibly comfortable beanies for yourself! They're all made in the U.S.A. (supporting the local economy anyone?). Not only do these purchases garner hats for the children, research moneys, and assistance for the families, but crediting a Love Your Melon Crew also nets adventures for the children! LYM understands the importance of fun and distractions when fighting for your life. If you don't have a LYM Crew of your own to support, feel free to show some love to the University of Colorado - Denver Campus Crew. I just bought two beanies for myself - expect pics when they arrive.

Lastly, the crews are in a competition right now to raise awareness. Check out the CU Denver's LYM Crew on Instagram to help get them closer to their first hospital visit! Which reminds me, know a child fighting cancer who doesn't have his/her own LYM hat yet? You can get one delivered by a superhero!! Check out Love Your Melon to request a hat and get it on its way.